


The Pressure Behind My Eyes (Gone When I See You)

by orphan_account



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Real names used, soft and self indulgent, they r in love your honor!!, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28085469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Everything was a lot for Nick, and sometimes it got hard to deal with. God, he just needs a break.At least he had Clay. He always had Clay.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Kudos: 168





	The Pressure Behind My Eyes (Gone When I See You)

**Author's Note:**

> 𝗧𝗪 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝗣𝗔𝗡𝗜𝗖 𝗔𝗧𝗧𝗔𝗖𝗞𝗦 
> 
> usual disclaimer that comes with these! Don’t shove anything like this in the creators faces, and this will immediately be taken down if either of the creators mention being uncomfortable with it!
> 
> I would say thank you to my gf for beta reading this, but neither of us have English as our first language so we just sorta... looked at it and prayed

It was too much. It always was, and Nick could never get a break. No matter how many times he’d make room in his schedule to relax or how many times he’d email his teachers, something would inevitably come up to bite him in the ass. Whether it be an assignment being due earlier than he thought or one of his friends asking for help with recording or editing or anything, there never seemed to be a moment of peace. It made the pressure in his head build up and it hurt so badly, but there was never a time to properly relax.

  
So it continued.

  
It continued and continued until the pounding in his head felt so overwhelming and all consuming that there was hardly a time he couldn’t feel it. He could hardly remember a time when he couldn’t hear his heartbeat in his head.

  
It hurt. Fuck, it hurt more than anything. The pressure and stress built up like a dam, and eventually, it overflowed.

  
It was small, what pushed him over the edge. Nick thinks that any other day he wouldn’t have noticed it at all.

  
But it wasn’t any other day. It was a day where everything was too loud and he couldn’t focus on anything because it felt to quiet and god it fucking hurt.

  
He had sat down to do some editing, to finally get out another video, and it genuinely felt okay to be there. He just had to finish up, and then he’d have an actual break, and then he’d watch a movie with Clay. He could have some peace.  
Of course it didn’t work out like he planned, when had it ever? He’d finished the video earlier than expected and he was proud of how it’d turned out! But then his computer shut down and it made something snap. His work was automatically saved, nothing was lost, but it wasn’t hard to get stuck in a loop of what if it hadn't been saved? What if that crashed when his computer did and all his work was lost? And what if he wouldn’t know until his old, shitty computer finally booted up again, and he’d have to start from scratch? And what if the raw video footage corrupted, what if he couldn’t even start again?

  
It was all too much. Too much and too much and too much and he couldn’t even remember to breathe and if he couldn’t remember to breathe then how could he remember anything else and how fucked up would it be if his friends knew that he panicking because of something that wasn’t even that big of a deal and what if they told him it was his own damn fault that he hadn’t gotten a better computer when he had the chance and fuck he couldn’t see and it was just too much to even think about dealing with and fuck he couldn’t even begin to think at all.

  
In the end, it was the faint buzz of... of something on his desk that brought him out of his own head.

  
When had he gotten out of his chair?

  
And when had he started tugging his hair so tightly?

  
The buzzing was still there. He needed it to stop, so desperately needed quiet.

  
(He didn’t think about how the quiet would only bring awareness to the quickness of his breaths and his weak and shuddering sobs.)

  
He stood shakily, using the wall for support as he walked to his desk. His phone, as it turns out, is the source of the noise. More specifically, a call from Clay.

  
_Fuck_. Nick had no plans of ever, _ever_ being seen like this. He hardly would know how to deal with the inevitable pity and glass-like treatment that he would receive.

  
(He did know how he would deal with it.)

  
(He would shove his friends away, snarling and biting.)

  
(You can’t hurt someone if you can never get near them.)

  
The phone rang out. He pinched himself and finally picked his phone up, and it was only then he realised he was an hour late to their movie date, and he had 4 missed calls and several missed texts. God, he really couldn’t be bothered to deal with it. He’s tempted to ignore Clay, to turn his phone off and ignore his alarm in the morning and pretend that none of his classes or streams existed. He was so close to it too; his fingers rested on the power button and it wasn’t like he could stream on his busted computer.

  
He didn’t, though. He knew the guilt of ignoring Clay, of making him worry for Nick of all people, would keep him from getting any rest. He slumped into his chair, hunching his shoulders, making himself that much smaller. He cradled his phone in his hands, trying his best to even out his breathing and opening Clays contact.

  
He pressed call and waited for the rings. It was only halfway through the first one when Clay picked up.

  
“Are you alright? What happened? George said he hasn’t heard anything from you either, fuck, nothing happened to you, right?” Nick winced. He hated the worry in the other's voice.

  
(A small, selfish voice was viscously happy to know that someone would notice if he was gone. He pushed it down as far as he could.)  
“Hi,” Even to his own ears he could hear his voice was shaky and weak, and it made him cringe. “I’m okay, I’m just… something came up, I guess. Got distracted.”

  
“Bullshit,” Clay said. It was hard to be angry at him for being so blunt when really, Nick just wanted to sleep. He was drained and numb and everything felt fuzzy. “What happened, Nick?”

  
“Dunno, really. Computer shut down and I kinda blanked. My head hurts.” He curled into his chair. He couldn’t deny hearing Clays voice felt nice, even if it made him ache for the other man more than he ever thought he could.

  
“Your computer shut down?”

  
“Mhm. The last straw, I think. Been stressed recently.”

  
“Oh, baby,” Clay’s voice became ever so soft. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that, especially alone. Can you go get water for yourself?”

  
“‘M tired. Don’t wanna move.” He could hear the smile in Clay’s voice as he pestered him into taking care of himself, but he didn’t mind. He liked his voice, liked that it didn’t feel like pity, liked that it sounded full of love.

  
Eventually, he stood up and dragged himself to the kitchen. He leaned against the fridge as he watched his glass fill, only vaguely registering what Clay was rambling about. Something about Patches and her new clothes she’d inevitably scratch her father for, he thinks.

  
When he’d gotten water and changed his clothes and washed his face (“if you can’t shower, at least wash your face. I know how awful your AC is, you’ve gotta be sweating in that sweatshirt.”), he finally, finally, fell into bed.

  
“Sorry for missing our plans. Didn’t realise the time.” His words are muffled from the way his face is mushed into the pillow, and it made Clay smile.

  
“Don't worry about it, baby. You’ve had a rough day, you deserve a break.” Nick sighs contentedly.

  
And, immediately, he locks up.

  
“Clay? Are you— you’re not gonna leave, right? I’m sorry, I know it’s not easy to deal with me and I know you have better things—”

  
“Nick, baby, listen. I’m not leaving you. I don’t want to, and I’m not sure I ever will, alright? I love you so, so much, and that includes your off days. I’ll love you when the best things happen, and I’ll love you when the worst things happen. I signed up for you, all of you, and I’m not backing out because you got stressed. You mean way more to me than you can ever imagine. Fuck, baby, I wish I could be there right now.”

  
“Oh. Oh, Clay, god, I love you too. I’m not… I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me.” He was sitting up in bed now, his breath hitching as tears collected in the corner of his eyes.

  
“Don't cry, baby!” Clay sounded panicked, but he relaxed when he heard Nick giggle softly.

  
“Happy tears, don’t worry.” They stayed quiet for a few minutes. Or maybe it was longer. It was a comfortable silence, neither of them feeling the need to fill it. “Hey, uhm, could you stay on the phone? Just until I fall asleep, if that’s okay. I like listening to your voice. Makes me feel safe.”

  
“‘Course. Now sleep, you deserve it. I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll always be here. Oh, wow, that sounded way more ominous then I meant it to.” Nick giggles again, and he remembers why he fell so damn hard for this man.

  
“Yeah, I know what you mean. I love you, Clay.”

  
“I love you too, baby. Sleep well.”

  
And, finally, he feels like he has a break. The pressure in his head has lessened, he’s safe, and he’s happy.

  
He thinks he’ll be okay. At the very least, he’ll have someone to lean on.

**Author's Note:**

> Join the discord!! https://discord.gg/HnwhN8Ej


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